If I told you the details of one of the tensest Christmases of my life, you might ask, “What was such a big deal?” But if YOU told me about one of YOUR tensest Christmases, I might say the same thing. It’s such a strange collision–one of the sweetest, most precious holiday celebrations comes crashing into a fortress of unbending expectations, demands, and territory-guarding. We are often completely unaware of it when we’re children, but by the time our teenage years arrive, we sense it in the adults of our lives. When we launch into the deep of our own independence and adulthood, we start looking for the “Family Emotional Emergency Room” for our wounds!

Expectations Rule Anger

I’ll repeat this in January on a Sunday, but one of our greatest challenges is managing our expectations. One of the best definitions of anger is this: “The distance between our EXPECTATIONS and our REALITY.” The greater the gulf between those two, the greater the anger we feel and spew! I remember a particularly tense experience with both my mother-in-law and mom during Christmas of 1991. (Yep, I know the date, the day, and the conversations are all by memory!)

Suffice it to say, I found myself confronting both and feeling like the “Grim Reaper of Christmas” by the time it was over. Neither of these moms was willing to bend their expectations. They wanted what they wanted and articulated that with passion, punctuation, and persistence. Unfortunately for them, their expectations met the granite wall of my will. And once they crossed the threshold of that will, it began to alter our history. We never spent Christmas at their homes again. (We visited them around Christmas but removed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day from their planning options.) Since we could please NEITHER, we attempted to please NO ONE from that day on. Looking back, I wish I had those conversations to do over. My 30-ish bravado was firm, too immature, and determined to end this battle once and for all. I confess that, especially now, both moms will spend this Christmas with Jesus in person.

What Expectations Say

What both were trying to say was more than just controlling tactics (although they both relished being in control). They were trying to say this: they wanted us at Christmas. They didn’t want to miss us. They didn’t want their holiday without certain people who mattered so much to them. Their disappointment (punctuated, passionate, and persistent) was fueled by AFFECTION and DESIRE for our PRESENCE. However poorly that was communicated, what they were trying to say was something good. I couldn’t hear it. I heard control, not affection.

So, my 63-year-old self would love to be able to have a conversation with my 30-year-old self and simply say, “Drawing boundaries is certainly important. But as you’re doing that, take the extra time to recognize that this expectation is a function of their LOVE for you and a desire to be WITH you–which (ironically) is part of our entire Christmas meaning (God WITH us, Emmanuel). Slow down, Sport, and see these moms and their hunger for their children. Don’t draw that boundary with anger. Be gentle because you’re responding to something that has affectionate intention.”

I would rather have been the gentle son of those precious women than to have proudly become the Grim Reaper of Christmas Past. So, when our kids were married, I pledged to my sons and their wives: “We will refuse to put pressure on you at Christmas. You are always welcome at our home, but we will do everything possible to make it easy for you. We love and want to have time with you, but we will also learn to share well.”

Better late than never, right? I hope that I’m better at being an understanding dad and father-in-law than I was at being an understanding son.