Lots of people see conflict as something to avoid. As I mentioned on Sunday, 70-80 percent of our population matches a personal tendency profile that prioritizes peace in relationships as a supreme value. Translation? They HATE conflict! Avoid conflict. Run from conflict.

But conflict isn’t necessarily ugly, harsh, manipulative, or damaging. At its core, conflict is simply difference. What frightens us is the potential loss of relationships, emotional vomit, attacks, and rage. Frankly, I have seen plenty of that too, but usually, if one person approaches conflict with a healthy attitude, the other person is influenced by it. One person can de-escalate a great majority of the emotional toll and find a safe landing spot for both parties.

Years ago, Stephen Covey was writing prolifically, and I remember one of the principles he offered this challenge: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” If I approach conflict as a loving step to understand where someone is coming from, it allows me to give that person room to help me acknowledge hurt, take responsibility for something I have done, and communicate that I care. THEN (and only then) can I truly take steps to communicate my own stance, attitude, and affection in a healthy way.

In just a couple of weeks, we will talk about this in our study of James. He had some very helpful advice in that arena. But listening well, listening intentionally, is the first step. But as I came to understand it, I only have two choices: I can engage in conflict resolution by communicating and listening, or I can try to ignore it, and I DESERVE what comes because I did not exercise the courage to do SOMETHING to settle matters.

In that understanding, why would I avoid trying to settle things?

Much more can be said, but perhaps that gives you a starting place for getting better at facing conflict.